UNDERDOG of PERFECTION

This the most utterly stupid thing I have seen in a long time, and so of course I am borderline obsessed with it.

Basically what you have here is a Flash game where you’re supposed to be running the 100m dash, but the physics and controls are terrible. I’m guessing the game was an experiment that failed, but it failed so comically that it became a strange kind of success.

Speaking of success, I have managed to develop a technique with the game that is somewhat successful, enough so that I was able to achieve a record distance of 13.8 meters. (The fact that the score is kept in distance, not time, is your first clue that something is amiss here.)

Think you can beat it? Give it a try.

My secret is that I gave up on trying to run for real. Basically I keep one leg out in front and just inch the trailing leg up far enough to gain ground without tipping over backwards. Start by holding down W and O simultaneously until you’ve moved as far forward as one stride will take you, then tap Q and P simultaneously a bit to move the back leg forward, but not so much that you teeter backwards. Then repeat holding W and O, tapping Q and P, etc. It’s still not easy, but forward movement is possible, and with it comes a strange, pathetic sense of accomplishment. I still haven’t gotten enough momentum going to hear more than the first couple of notes of what I assume is “Chariots of Fire,” though.

This is my official submission for the RPM Holiday Challenge. Same idea, completely different recording. I didn’t quite like the direction my first version of “Greensleeves” was taking, so I started over from scratch, mixing up the rhythms a little (changing it from 6/8 to 9/8) and going for more of a straightforward jazz waltz vibe.

This recording features me on tenor sax, keyboards (electric piano and Mellotron), 5-string electric bass and drum programming.

Apologies to Miles Davis. You’ll know it when you hear it. And if not, so what?

Download the MP3
(Right-click and choose the appropriate menu option to save the file.)

My new favorite site, BuzzFeed, shows us that everyone on Earth seems to hate the Toyota “Saved by Zero” commercials. I really like the song, too. But not this godawful version of it. Fortunately it’s so different (as well as so bad) that it doesn’t really taint the original.

That creepy anthropomorphic zero doesn’t help.

Just in case you’ve somehow escaped having to see it…

Compare that abomination with the original ’80s classic.

But, on the other hand, were it not for all of this, I never would have discovered the “literal video version” of “Take On Me.” Freakin’ awesome! “Pipe… wrench… fiiiiiiight!”

I know a fair number of liberals who reject Keith Olbermann for his blowhard tone (reminiscent of Limbaugh, Hannity, etc.) despite the fact that they might agree with his stance on the issues. But even if you find Olbermann objectionable (for whatever reason), you should hear what he has to say about California’s dreadful passage of Proposition 8.

No, I will not be donning my Santa hat whilst crooning over a cup of eggnog by the hearthside. For one thing, I hate eggnog. For another, anyone within earshot would hate my crooning even more than I hate eggnog.

That said, when Jw threw down the gauntlet for an RPM Holiday Challenge, I knew I was on board, and I knew almost as quickly which song I would butcher lovingly render in my own inimitable style. “Greensleeves” has been a standard of jazz musicians for decades (my favorite renditions being John Coltrane’s classic take along with Vince Guaraldi’s treatment for A Charlie Brown Christmas), and perfectly bridges the gap between a straight-ahead jazz treatment and holiday schmaltz. Since my solo music has been drifting in a jazz-ward direction lately anyway, it seemed a perfect fit.

It’s still in an extremely embryonic stage right now, but since I’ve made some progress despite the overwhelming odds of my “lifeload” (“workload” doesn’t cut it) in November in general and this November in particular, I just wanted there to be publicly documented evidence that I’ve made it this far, just in case I fail to stagger across the finish line.

So, here you go…