UNDERDOG of PERFECTION

The Ensigns of Command
Season 3 Episode 2
Original airdate: September 30, 1989

Netflix Synopsis

After a century of silence, the Enterprise receives a message from the Sheliac (sic) system informing them that they have discovered a human colony.

My Brief Review

This is a pretty solid episode. No annoying characters (although Gosheven, the imperious leader of the colonists, walks the line), few glaring flaws in the script, and it even ties in the cold open in a cohesive way. I believe this is also the first time we see Data playing violin.

That said, it wasn’t exactly an exciting episode. The Sheliak species is interesting though — I enjoy it whenever Star Trek takes the time to conceive of an alien species that is radically different from humans. It makes for a far more interesting episode on a philosophical level, as it explores the nature of humanity. This episode does that in several ways, with the colonists trying to decide what gives their existence meaning, Data tries to express himself creatively, and Picard tries to negotiate with a species that sees humans as little more than an infestation.

Memorable Moment

I have a soft spot for Data, and he’s the star of this episode. I always remember the wrap-up moment at the end of the episode, where Data is speaking with Picard in the ready room, discussing a recording of Data’s string quartet performance from the cold open. Data explains that he was not playing with “feeling” — merely recreating the techniques of two famous violinists. Picard points out that the two violinists play in very different styles, so Data was creating something new and original by successfully combining them.

So… uh… an argument that mashups constitute a new work? (Asking for a friend.)

Crew Rando

The other two members of Data’s string quartet (plus O’Brien).

Distance Rating: 4K

IMDb score: 7.5/10

Evolution
Season 3 Episode 1
Original airdate: September 23, 1989

Netflix Synopsis

The Enterprise is carrying an eminent scientist, Dr. Paul Stubbs, to the site of a binary star where they are expecting a massive stellar explosion.

IMDb Synopsis

Wesley’s latest science project escapes the lab, threatening the Enterprise and an eminent scientist’s life-long project.

My Brief Review

And we’re back! The production has clearly been infused with some fresh cash, the guild writers are back, as is Dr. Beverly Crusher, and the quality is back… at least in comparison to the season 2 finale.

Once again I’m sharing both the Netflix and IMDb synopses, since this seems to be one of those episodes where whoever wrote the Netflix summary only watched the cold open.

The main story here is some “nanites” (nano-robots) Wesley was experimenting with for a school project, that escape, learn to work together, self-replicate by… well… eating parts of the ship’s computer, and gain sentience. They communicate through Data, work out their conflict with Dr. Stubbs, and are given a planet (not shown) on which to continue their evolution.

This has the makings of a great Star Trek movie. Or a spinoff series. Unfortunately, it is way too much for a single standalone episode. Too many questions are left unanswered. Too many implications left unconsidered. And Dr. Stubbs is yet another über-genius asshole, whose hubris nearly destroys everything.

This episode kept my attention, but it left me unsatisfied.

Memorable Moment

Brent Spiner is at his acting best when he’s playing Data or, in this case, even more primitive robots. He’s a big ham any time he is given a more human role. But he’s great here in the scene where he gives voice to the nanites.

Crew Rando

Uh… let’s go with the helmsman who is quickly dismissed by Riker at the beginning of the episode, after Wesley arrives late for his shift having fallen asleep in the lab… which is how the nanites got out and infected the ship. Maybe they’d be better off leaving “Crewman #1” (as he’s credited) at the helm.

Distance Rating: 5K

IMDb score: 6.6/10

Shades of Gray
Season 2 Episode 22
Original airdate: July 15, 1989

Netflix Synopsis

Who cares, it’s a damn clip show.

My Brief Review

It’s a goddamn CLIP SHOW.

I skipped the previous episode because it featured the Ferengi. The goddamn Ferengi. This is the final episode of the season, and what… it’s a CLIP SHOW?! Riker is in a coma with an infection he picked up on an alien planet, so the majority of the episode is random clips from the first two seasons that he’s supposedly dreaming while in said coma.

What. The. Hell.

I can’t believe this show lasted beyond this moment.

To be fair, according to IMDb, they resorted to making this clip show either or both a) because the outstanding Q Who episode from earlier in the season had gone way over budget, or b) there was a writers’ strike. Q Who was good enough that they probably should have just ended the season right there.

Memorable Moment

All of the moments I already remembered from previous episodes.

Crew Rando

Who cares.

Distance Rating: 3K*

*With all of these reviews, I rate it by the distance I run on the treadmill. Then I continue to walk on the treadmill to watch the rest of the episode. This is the first one where I stopped and turned it off.
IMDb score: 3.4/10

Here’s hoping things pick up with season 3. I’ll find out tomorrow. I honestly don’t remember this show being so terrible.

The Emissary
Season 2 Episode 20
Original airdate: June 24, 1989

Netflix Synopsis
The Enterprise is ordered to proceed to an emergency rendezvous to collect a special envoy who is traveling from Starbase 153 to meet them.

My Brief Review
Some interesting Klingon moments in this episode, including the introduction of K’Ehleyr, a half-human, half-Klingon woman (and Worf’s old flame) — played by Suzie Plakson, who was also the Vulcan Dr. Selar in one of the earlier episodes I reviewed — Klingon mating rituals in the Holodeck, and Worf pretending to be captain of the Enterprise to keep a ship full of 23rd century Klingons, fresh out of cryogenic sleep and unaware the war is over, from attacking Federation outposts.

There’s also a way too drawn out poker game at the beginning, the weirdly unexplained (but presumably cost-saving) use of a probe to deliver K’Ehleyr to Enterprise — basically sending her hurtling through space for several hours at warp 9 inside a coffin — oh, and how exactly do probes achieve warp 9 without nacelles? Or if a probe can house nacelles capable of warp 9, why aren’t shuttlecraft, which appear to actually have nacelles, warp capable?

Uh sorry… I got a bit lost in the weeds there. Much like this and several of the recent episodes. (Oh, by the way, I skipped the episode before this one because it featured Deanna Troi’s mom, who I don’t need to see.)

Overall, this episode was kind of a mess. Not as much of a mess — and not as offensive — as Up the Long Ladder, but still, a mess.

Memorable Moment

I am a sucker for any moments of deception on the bridge, so Worf in full Klingon battle gear, with K’Ehleyr posing as his first officer, convincing the awakened crew of the T’ong that they were really running things, was a highlight for me in an episode without many.

Crew Rando

Ensign Clancy, whose presence is not very significant to the story, but who is at the helm throughout the entire episode since Wesley is back at a starbase for exams (assuming storyline continuity between episodes, but most likely Wil Wheaton just wasn’t available for a while). Fun fact! Ensign Clancy is played by Anne Ramsay, a regular cast member on Mad About You, and Suzie Plakson (K’Ehleyr) was also in 18 episodes of Mad About You. (Apparently she also played Ensign Clancy in one of the earlier episodes from this season that I skipped — one involving Data playing Sherlock Holmes on the Holodeck.)

I think the fact that I am more interested in probing IMDb for connections between guest stars than in this episode’s story itself says a lot about how this episode achieves the first ever…

Distance Rating: 3.5K

IMDb score: 7.6/10

Up the Long Ladder
Season 2 Episode 18
Original airdate: May 20, 1989

Netflix Synopsis

When Starfleet receives an old Earth distress signal from deep in space, the Enterprise is sent to investigate.

My Brief Review

Shit sandwich.

But seriously. I should have known from early in the episode when they all (including the computer) pronounced “hegemony” with a hard G. (Kind of the reverse of “1.21 jigawatts.”) This definitely the worst episode I’ve bothered to watch so far.

The Enterprise follows an antiquated distress signal and discovers a forgotten 22nd century Earth colony. Its ship departed with an odd mix of high technology, farm animals and spinning wheels.

The people Enterprise finds are an agrarian society that plays up every imaginable Irish stereotype. Their planet is endangered by solar flares, and they need to be evacuated — along with their farm animals. Hilarity ensues.

On board Enterprise, the daughter of the leader of the colony, inexplicably dressed in a cable knit crop top, makes out with Riker (a subplot that never comes up again); meanwhile the leader himself asks Picard about the other colony. (Ah, so that’s where all of the technology went.) They locate an M-class planet a half lightyear away, populated by a society of erudite, celibate clones. It turns out only 5 members of this colony survived the landing on the planet, and they used their scientific knowledge to populate the planet with copies of themselves. But genetic degradation is creeping in and their society is doomed.

Long story short, they steal DNA samples (hence the episode’s title, I guess) from Riker and Dr. Pulaski, who then beam down and kill their own clones. Then Picard sets up a meeting between the two leaders, a real Odd Couple, to concoct a harebrained scheme to merge their societies as a solution to both worlds’ problems. Of course there will be polygamy.

We never find out why these two groups left Earth together in the 22nd century. Or anything else that would help this terrible, sloppy episode make any sense.

Memorable Moment

I didn’t even mention that the episode starts with Worf grunting at his station and then collapsing. He apparently has the Klingon equivalent of the measles, which humiliates him, but Dr. Pulaski keeps his secret and he thanks her by performing the Klingon tea ceremony. Which has nothing to do with anything else in the episode, and of course is not mentioned again.

And another throwaway moment: we learn that Geordi’s visor is basically a lie detector. Who knew? (Apparently no one before or after this episode!)

I really feel like this episode was the result of every writer on the staff throwing their worst idea in a hat, and then stitching them together into a bare semblance of a story.

Crew Rando

None. Even the red shirts had the good sense to avoid this disaster.

Distance Rating: 4K

IMDb score: 6.3/10