It’s 5:30 AM. I’m wide awake, having just endured the most harrowing diaper-changing experience so far in my short career as a parent. It’s a good time to reflect on what I’ve learned to date….

• You can never predict when the baby will come, especially when you are convinced that it couldn’t possibly come yet.
• There’s a reason they call it “labor.”
• Dads: If you agree to cut the umbilical cord on your new son, just be careful where you angle those big scissors. Leave circumcision to the experts.
• Once you’ve smelled it, everything smells like baby formula.
• Try not to ponder the implications of having a McDonald’s restaurant inside a hospital.
• Babies are neither as fragile nor as durable as they appear.
• Don’t burp the baby while wearing your favorite shirt. Or sitting on the brand new sofa.
• Yes, your baby really is the cutest in the world. Just don’t expect everyone else to see it.
• Try not to envision a dairy farm when your wife is pumping breast milk. At least, if you do, don’t tell her about it.
• A pack of 80 diapers doesn’t last as long as you’d think.
• The health insurance industry has an inscrutable logic all its own.
• Plan for everything to take twice as long as you expect it to. Then it will take approximately twice as long as that.
• Your physical coordination really is affected by sustained lack of sleep. Keep that in mind when your toes are exposed to large, heavy, moving objects.
• Having a baby is a good way to instantly enhance your popularity. Don’t let it fool you — it’s not you they’re interested in.
• There is no way to convey to a non-parent the pure joy you feel at the sight of a stinky, sticky mound of poop in a diaper, after a day and a half without one.
• Your thoughts at 5:30 AM are neither as lucid nor as profound as they seem.
• It’s all worth it. And then some.